You never know what you’re going to get when you see Colin Ernst’s name pop up. On his contribution to our winter spectacular, Ernst narrates as Old Saint Nick himself, somewhat irritably declaring that “Everybody’s Gettin’ Coal.” Thinking back to how I kowtowed as a child to every old fool in red wool this time of year, I shudder. O how I begged, how I pleaded, how I swore that I had been good all year . . . but we knew better. I was as awful as every other kid that climbed into the old guy’s smelly lap, yet somehow knew that I would get (most of) what I wanted come Christmas morning. Because Santa was just a forgiving soul in those days.
Colin Ernst is a more pragmatic, a more jaded, a more resigned Kris Kringle. As such, he sounds as world-weary as one would reasonably expect of a guy who pops up annually when it’s hella cold and goes out of his way to ensure that every kid (and apparently every adult) in the world gets treated at Christmas. Over some terrific free piano-playing, St. Ernst (almost drunkenly?) laments the cold itself and how it’s crept into his own heart, asking how long he must bare his soul. The climax comes in a spoken-word tirade worthy of Clark Griswold that fits both awkwardly and wonderfully into the piece. (BONUS: Santa says both “damn” and “crap!”)
Thank you, Colin Ernst, for keeping us on our toes at every turn and for having the ability and good sense to have fun with your craft.